3 / 5
What nobody sees
What was really going on for you? What were you thinking or feeling that other people didn't know?
I was exhausted in every way a person could be. I was trying to finish high school, apply to colleges, and save money because, good grades or not, a scholarship wasn't guaranteed. I was a straight-A student juggling shifts waiting tables, my boyfriend, the neighborhood, and whatever drama was happening at home. I was always on alert. Always waiting for something to happen, for somebody to need me, for another problem I'd have to find the strength to handle. I couldn't afford to fall apart. I was scared that if I went down, I wouldn't get back up, and I needed to finish school. Everything I wanted depended on it. From the moment I heard his voice in his friend's car, I knew he was never going to be the man I needed him to be. Knowing that didn't make me stop loving him. It hurt so bad that sometimes I caught myself holding my breath. I had to remind myself: Breathe in. Breathe out. I didn't tell my friends I was applying to college. Only my parents and a few close relatives knew I was planning to leave. Keeping it to myself was hard, especially when it was the one thing getting me through the day. I saved every dollar I could. Tips. Money from running errands. Anything I could put away. For two weeks during school break, I worked two jobs: waiting tables from six in the morning until one in the afternoon, then selling clothes for the rest of the day. I ate only because I needed enough energy to get through work and open my books afterward. He started saying he missed me. But I think part of him liked the arrangement. I wasn't questioning him anymore. I wasn't defending myself or trying to figure out what we were supposed to be. I stopped asking to see him, but whenever he wanted to see me, I still made myself available. Then somebody told me one of the girls he was sleeping with was pregnant. I didn't react. I had nothing left to react with. But underneath the exhaustion, I felt something I hadn't expected. Relief. Relief that it wasn't me. That we didn't have a child together. That I could still leave without having a reason to deal with him for the rest of my life.A few weeks before finals, we were out together when we ran into one of his aunts. She congratulated him on the baby. Then she turned to me. "You had that baby three weeks ago, and you're already that skinny?" I looked at him. Then I left him standing there, explaining whatever he was going to explain. I refused to to listen his explanations.
