3 / 5
What nobody sees
What was really going on for you? What were you thinking or feeling that other people didn't know?
In 2011, I stopped taking the contraceptive pill, and that's when everything began. My body woke up, and I felt more alive than I had in years. But with that came the pain. From the outside, nothing looked wrong. I was working, seeing friends, laughing at dinner tables, showing up for everyone. Mama G was still doing her job. But inside my own body, I was crying from a pain nobody could imagine. I could be surrounded by people and feel completely alone in it. I kept functioning, and I kept smiling. Nobody looking at me would have guessed what I was carrying. It lasted 14 years. Can you imagine? 14 years of hiding a pain so big it felt like it was consuming me from the inside. Then one day I said stop. My pain tolerance, which I had been so proud of, was wavering, and I simply couldn't take it any more. That's why letting go means so much to me now. It isn't a nice idea or a phrase for a poster. It's necessary, indispensable. I had to release what I was carrying, in my memories and in my body, to survive. And now I feel like a new person, like a new book. The pages are blank, and this time I get to write them.