3 / 5
What nobody sees
What was really going on for you? What were you thinking or feeling that other people didn't know?
Ickel was in heaven. In his mind, we were fighting over him. That was half true. But I think each of us blamed the other for something. I blamed her for being white in a rich family. And she blamed me for—honestly, I didn't know. But I was sure it wasn't about Ickel. Nat ended the session, disappointed in both of us. From then on until the exams, we wouldn't study together: me in the morning, Ickel in the afternoon. Stella may have won the battle of brains, but there was no way she was taking Ickel. The truth is, Ickel had been circling me for weeks, and I couldn't have cared less, because my heart only beat for Damon. Since the day Damon saw us together and smashed my phone out of jealousy, I had no phone. And without a phone, I realized I was less sad. Secretly, I had been waiting for a text from Damon, and it tortured me so much I'd stopped eating. No phone, no waiting. I could focus on my exams and on Ickel, who was clearly not hiding his intentions. I turned him down every day, and the next day he came back. I liked flirting with him, but nothing more. Watching him flirt with Stella was unbearable. We women are strange sometimes: a man doesn't interest us until he interests someone else. I had to mark my territory. He drove me home on his scooter, like always. No jokes this time, no compliments. "Okay, I'll leave you here. See you." "Wait, you're in a hurry?" "I have to finish my community service hours. And yes, I want to see Stella. She's cool and nice." "Uh, okay." "Okay what? I've been chasing you for weeks. You play with me, and now that another girl looks at me, you know I exist. I don't have time for your games. Either we're together, or we're friends. I'm not going to be your backup plan my whole life." He was completely right. I liked knowing he liked me. I even loved having him as a backup. It lifted my self-esteem, even though I knew it was wrong. Ickel was a beautiful man, and he treated me well. The thing is, he didn't make me feel what Damon made me feel. I was young. I didn't know there were different ways to love. For me, it was either madly or not at all. I didn't want to be with him. But I didn't want to leave him to Stella. "You're a good guy, but I don't want a relationship before graduation. I can't handle both. I can't put you before school." "I'll wait until June 28th, the last exam. Then, whether you pass or not, I want us to try. And I won't wait longer, I'm warning you." "Ok. After that, you can go see Princess S"